Evo's Coffee Lounge
12oz Soy Soma Mocha
Heart-shaped Biscuit
(and a hot cocoa for my co-writer)
This will probably be brief and distracted since I have my little astronaut with me. So let's jump right to it and see how far we get.
I have said before that soulmates are like zombies: Even though I know they're not real they still haunt my dreams.
I really should have had a lot more supervision when I was a kid because I never should have been watching those horror flicks. When you're that little, your brain believes everything no matter how much you tell it something isn't real. As you grow up, you can only correct those childhood illusions so much. It takes a long damn time and your efforts never quite erase what you've experienced. After all, the experiences and information you receive as a child shapes the architecture of your brain for the rest of your life. Think of remodeling a house. How easy - how costly - is it to tear up the foundation? Most of us are lucky if we can afford to replace the linoleum in the kitchen.
But no amount of supervision could have spared me the horrors of Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty and every other damn story about The One True Epic Love. We have a cultural fixation on the idea of soulmates. The narrative goes that there is one person out there that you are meant for, that you will know them when you meet them, and that you will only really, truly, for-reals be happy with that one person. Any other person will fall short. You will always be incomplete and never quite happy unless you are with The One. Even if you thought you were happy and were engaged to someone already, once The One comes along, you just have to be brave enough to leave the person you had thought you could be happy with for the rest of your life.
There's another confounding factor in globalization. We are so easily connected to everyone that it's not inconceivable that our One True Love could be halfway around the world. So, we must be vigilant and scour every glimpse or scrap of media that passes before us, just in case we see The One in a graphic in a reposted story about the effects of sea level rise in lowland Asian countries.
This is a far, far cry from how we evolved. Until the Industrial Age most people never traveled more than a dozen miles from the place they were born. That's not a lot of opportunity to meet new people. In fact, the person you married was almost always someone you knew and had know for most of your life. (Or, the person your parents arranged for you to marry was someone they had known...).
In other words, it was way more likely that you married a friend than a stranger. There was no epic moment of meeting. You had a relatively small pool of familiar candidates that you had years to evaluate before you eventually took a chance and picked one to form a family with. Does this mean that people weren't happy when they didn't have as much choice? No. Flat out - no.
There have been articles previously about how too much choice can actually make us less happy. Some choice is nice and everyone is different, but there comes a point when you stop being content with anything you choose because you know there is more out there. And we are forever being promised that there's a better, new and improved product that will solve all our problems.
So, between Cinderella and intercontinental travel and Ron Popeil, how can we ever be happy in a relationship?
This soulmate mythos held me back for a long time. As much as I told myself it's irrational and self-destructive, I couldn't quite rid it from my psyche. I also had the specter of divorce before me since my parents split when I was very young. I had this background fear of choosing the wrong person so I held myself back from fully committing to anyone. The specter of someone better would haunt me, even when I was engaged and really believed I had found the person I wanted to marry.
It took a long time for Cinderella to die, but it finally happened. Well, maybe she's just in a coma... that no Prince Charming could awaken her from. Either way, I reached a point where the fear abated and I realized that you can love many people in your life. No one of them has to be perfect, or even perfect for you, since none of us are perfect and we will, hopefully, continue to change and evolve over our lifetimes. Some people fit you better, some fit you worse, but the truth is that your odds are actually pretty good that you can find someone to be a great partner, to help you throughout the ups and downs and radical changes of your life. You don't want to talk yourself into settling if, deep down, you know that it's not a great fit but, at some point, you need to open yourself to the joy that's there beside you.
I'll throw one last bone to the romantics out there... I do believe in intuition. I do believe that you can have a sense of knowing about a person. That doesn't happen every time or for every person. And having that intuition or not having it doesn't make a person your soulmate or not. With the cultural cloud of the soulmate fetish before our eyes, it's very hard to know what we're really feeling anyway. Just do your best to be honest with yourself and the one(s) you're with.
Be honest and be happy.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Black Turkey Day
Rogue Valley Roasting Company
12oz Soy Butterscotch Mocha
Breakfast Burrito w/salsa
Last year I began shunning Target. This is because I suck at boycotting them. You may be able to point to some good things they do, and they may have had the cheapest diaper wipes, but they crossed a line last year - they crossed the turkey line.
Like WalMart and Toys-R-Us and a few others, Target began their Black Friday on Thanksgiving. Of all transgressions a company can commit, one that offends me most is exploiting their employees. Retail employees already do not receive adequate compensation, nor receive adequate time with their families (generally speaking). So to force already desperate or strained people to work on one of their very few holidays in order to earn a precious little extra is in no way benevolent. And even if it is officially deemed "optional," most employees will believe - and often, rightly so - that it will count against them if they choose to not work on their holiday. Even if management doesn't officially count it against them, come review time, the employee's lack of team spirit will be there in the back of their mind, if not the fore.
My husband and I don't have many big arguments but they mainly involve time off, and the lack thereof. Low wage workers already have so much less opportunity to enjoy and care for their families than their better paid peers. When I was younger and more itinerant, my schedule around the holidays mattered less to me. I was often either so far away from family that I couldn't conceive of a holiday trip to visit them, or I was close enough for a quick dinner or overnight stay between my regular shifts. Now that I have small children, traveling anywhere is an ordeal and cannot be undertaken without a clear swath of time.
For low wage workers, this is hard to come by ever - especially in the retail environment which is constantly understaffed and cycling through employees who have burnt out or moved on to a more sustainable wage. But during the holiday season - as early as October through the beginning of January - most retail establishments implement a black out policy. No time off for anyone because then everybody would take time off during their busiest time of the year.
So if you want to spend time with your loved ones around the holidays, those two traditional days off - Thanksgiving and Christmas Day - are precious. In a best case scenario, you might have sympathetic management with enough staffing options that you can rearrange your usual days off to get a longer block of time to travel around those, oh, so congested traveling days. Sometimes, if you have seniority and enough notice, you might even get approved in advance to take an extra day off. This is the exception, though, for most places. And now it seems that the special extra time off would be just not working the day that we are all supposed to take to spend with the people most precious to us.
(Here's a tip executives: If you consider your customers to be the people most precious to you, then you give up your holidays with your family and get behind those registers, and let your over-worked staff stay home. Better yet - everybody stay home!)
So, beginning last holiday season, I began ordering our diapers and wipes elsewhere (and here's a shout-out to diapers.com, who have always impressed me with their treatment of their customers, their employees, and their special efforts following Hurricane Sandy last year - props!). I began trying to find other sources for all the miscellaneous things I would pick up when I was at Target. I have still spent money there over this last year, and almost none at WalMart and Toys-R-Us, but they have lost at least a couple thousand of my dollars in poopy butt supplies. Not a lot to a big, giant company like them, but I feel better about myself. And I will continue to seek out businesses that do right by their people.
And to those executives who would say, "We're only open that day because people want to shop that day," I say, that is no excuse. Not only does it abuse the free time of the employees and the families who love them for the sake of extracting a few more dollars from your customers, but it also abuses the customers. Some customers don't care, they just want the best deal. But probably most of them would rather not be there, even if it's just for a 4 a.m. opening on the Friday after Thanksgiving. But people are made to feel desperate, that this is their only opportunity to get something big, that they might otherwise never be able to get. Or at least, desperate to keep their credit card payments a little bit smaller. So they sacrifice their sleep, their time waiting in line, and most disgustingly they sacrifice a little of their humanity. They sacrifice what should be some of the most meaningful time of their lives to become sleep-deprived, feral, door-busting, customer-trampling bargain shoppers!
Door-busting is an inhumane practice and should end this very holiday season. Companies should stop trying to drive people to shop at their stores by creating a panicked sense of urgency and potential loss. There are other ways to remain a viable business than by forcing people on both sides of the counter to make difficult, even soul-crushing (or people-crushing), sacrifices in the name of consumption. Maybe start by building your brand as a company that values people more than corporate bonuses. A company that doesn't just want to financially exist, but wants to deserve to exist.
I would pay extra to shop at a place like that.
12oz Soy Butterscotch Mocha
Breakfast Burrito w/salsa
Last year I began shunning Target. This is because I suck at boycotting them. You may be able to point to some good things they do, and they may have had the cheapest diaper wipes, but they crossed a line last year - they crossed the turkey line.
Like WalMart and Toys-R-Us and a few others, Target began their Black Friday on Thanksgiving. Of all transgressions a company can commit, one that offends me most is exploiting their employees. Retail employees already do not receive adequate compensation, nor receive adequate time with their families (generally speaking). So to force already desperate or strained people to work on one of their very few holidays in order to earn a precious little extra is in no way benevolent. And even if it is officially deemed "optional," most employees will believe - and often, rightly so - that it will count against them if they choose to not work on their holiday. Even if management doesn't officially count it against them, come review time, the employee's lack of team spirit will be there in the back of their mind, if not the fore.
My husband and I don't have many big arguments but they mainly involve time off, and the lack thereof. Low wage workers already have so much less opportunity to enjoy and care for their families than their better paid peers. When I was younger and more itinerant, my schedule around the holidays mattered less to me. I was often either so far away from family that I couldn't conceive of a holiday trip to visit them, or I was close enough for a quick dinner or overnight stay between my regular shifts. Now that I have small children, traveling anywhere is an ordeal and cannot be undertaken without a clear swath of time.
For low wage workers, this is hard to come by ever - especially in the retail environment which is constantly understaffed and cycling through employees who have burnt out or moved on to a more sustainable wage. But during the holiday season - as early as October through the beginning of January - most retail establishments implement a black out policy. No time off for anyone because then everybody would take time off during their busiest time of the year.
So if you want to spend time with your loved ones around the holidays, those two traditional days off - Thanksgiving and Christmas Day - are precious. In a best case scenario, you might have sympathetic management with enough staffing options that you can rearrange your usual days off to get a longer block of time to travel around those, oh, so congested traveling days. Sometimes, if you have seniority and enough notice, you might even get approved in advance to take an extra day off. This is the exception, though, for most places. And now it seems that the special extra time off would be just not working the day that we are all supposed to take to spend with the people most precious to us.
(Here's a tip executives: If you consider your customers to be the people most precious to you, then you give up your holidays with your family and get behind those registers, and let your over-worked staff stay home. Better yet - everybody stay home!)
So, beginning last holiday season, I began ordering our diapers and wipes elsewhere (and here's a shout-out to diapers.com, who have always impressed me with their treatment of their customers, their employees, and their special efforts following Hurricane Sandy last year - props!). I began trying to find other sources for all the miscellaneous things I would pick up when I was at Target. I have still spent money there over this last year, and almost none at WalMart and Toys-R-Us, but they have lost at least a couple thousand of my dollars in poopy butt supplies. Not a lot to a big, giant company like them, but I feel better about myself. And I will continue to seek out businesses that do right by their people.
And to those executives who would say, "We're only open that day because people want to shop that day," I say, that is no excuse. Not only does it abuse the free time of the employees and the families who love them for the sake of extracting a few more dollars from your customers, but it also abuses the customers. Some customers don't care, they just want the best deal. But probably most of them would rather not be there, even if it's just for a 4 a.m. opening on the Friday after Thanksgiving. But people are made to feel desperate, that this is their only opportunity to get something big, that they might otherwise never be able to get. Or at least, desperate to keep their credit card payments a little bit smaller. So they sacrifice their sleep, their time waiting in line, and most disgustingly they sacrifice a little of their humanity. They sacrifice what should be some of the most meaningful time of their lives to become sleep-deprived, feral, door-busting, customer-trampling bargain shoppers!
Door-busting is an inhumane practice and should end this very holiday season. Companies should stop trying to drive people to shop at their stores by creating a panicked sense of urgency and potential loss. There are other ways to remain a viable business than by forcing people on both sides of the counter to make difficult, even soul-crushing (or people-crushing), sacrifices in the name of consumption. Maybe start by building your brand as a company that values people more than corporate bonuses. A company that doesn't just want to financially exist, but wants to deserve to exist.
I would pay extra to shop at a place like that.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Bliss in the Is... and other tattoos.
Mix Sweet Shop
12oz Soy Chai
That ellipsis was deliberate. Because that's the way I had that phrase tattooed onto my wrist yesterday. Because there is much more imbued in those words than just the literal definitions of the words you see. And since I'm going to be explaining what the hell that's supposed to mean for the rest of my life, I thought I'd start with the handful of you who read this.
My short response will be, "It's another way of saying 'live in the moment,' 'be present,' that kind of thing..." But there is a reason I chose this phrase and not any of those others. To begin with, it's a challenge to see what really Is, honestly, no excuses. It's about seeing your own motivations behind your actions and emotions. It's about keeping things in perspective, counting your blessings, that sort of thing. It is about first coming to terms with things as they are and accepting that they are. Not what they are - that they are.
Accepting that the Is is does not make what Is acceptable. Things often need to be changed, sometimes drastically so. But you can't fix something if you don't understand the truth of it. And, as with the pain of childbirth, or the pain of getting a tattoo (especially on your wrist), sometimes the only way to deal with the pain you're in is to stop fighting it and learn how to ride it out.
Deep, full, even breaths... peaceful imagery... and clocks seem to work for me, too, for some reason...
"Bliss in the Is" also means that happiness only happens in the present. I've heard this stated in different ways but, ultimately, you can't spend your life waiting for something to happen - waiting for more money, a different town, a different domicile, a better car... waiting for "the big break" or, worse, "the one" to complete you. You can't conditionalize your happiness. You rob your life of joy if you give your happiness over to a time that does not now, and may not ever, exist.
So you don't stop trying to improve the Is. You must first know how you really feel about what is and what will actually make things better. But you will never have happiness in the present if you don't allow it to be there.
All easier said than done. That's why I chose to remind myself in post-it form... forever. Or until I go back and have it all remade into some kind of tribal wristband.
I promise I won't do that. No barbwire, either. You have my word.
As for the rest of the work I had done yesterday...
To compliment the "Bliss" phrase on my left wrist, I had a line from a Henry Rollins song ("Starve") tattooed on my right wrist: "I kiss my fear on the mouth." No ellipsis on that one. It's pretty decisive - it needs no further explanation.
On that same hand, to compliment the blue moon already tattooed on my left hand, which represents my name, I had a sun tattooed to represent my boys - the source of light in my life, so to speak. But not just any sun. This sun has a story...
I mentioned a little while ago that I would thank Moby, if I ever met him, for being the catalyst that brought my husband and I together. Well, that kicked off an idea, and I ended up writing him a letter asking him to be the one to draw the sun that I would get tattooed. Then I didn't know where to send it. So, I ended up reaching out to old moby-boardie friends and two of them (Hi, Debbie! Hi, Ed!) became my sun-doodle advocates. They met up with said rockstar last month and - ta-da! - he doodled, not just one sun, but two suns. And now I have one of those two tattooed on my right hand. (I now refer to it as the "rock star hand"... but just in my head...)
This is the doodle... :)
Now, why not tattoo both suns? Well, that was my first intent. But in the chair I realized that the placement of the second sun (on the inside of my wrist) would be extremely painful and I was feeling shaky again. I'm pretty sure I was just chilly, but my body is clearly wonky right now, and I prudently decided that I didn't want to push my limits. Plus, I'm still ambivalent about the overall design on my wrist, so it gives me some time to live with it before I decide on the final details.
Okay, I admit it - I have commitment issues.
At any rate, I'm happy with what I got. It feels more complete now, though, as with the crescent moon and star tattoo that has caused some people to question if I was, in fact, born in Turkey, it comes with the consequence of befuddling some folks. So be it. I'll just have to work on my short answers.
12oz Soy Chai
That ellipsis was deliberate. Because that's the way I had that phrase tattooed onto my wrist yesterday. Because there is much more imbued in those words than just the literal definitions of the words you see. And since I'm going to be explaining what the hell that's supposed to mean for the rest of my life, I thought I'd start with the handful of you who read this.
My short response will be, "It's another way of saying 'live in the moment,' 'be present,' that kind of thing..." But there is a reason I chose this phrase and not any of those others. To begin with, it's a challenge to see what really Is, honestly, no excuses. It's about seeing your own motivations behind your actions and emotions. It's about keeping things in perspective, counting your blessings, that sort of thing. It is about first coming to terms with things as they are and accepting that they are. Not what they are - that they are.
Accepting that the Is is does not make what Is acceptable. Things often need to be changed, sometimes drastically so. But you can't fix something if you don't understand the truth of it. And, as with the pain of childbirth, or the pain of getting a tattoo (especially on your wrist), sometimes the only way to deal with the pain you're in is to stop fighting it and learn how to ride it out.
Deep, full, even breaths... peaceful imagery... and clocks seem to work for me, too, for some reason...
"Bliss in the Is" also means that happiness only happens in the present. I've heard this stated in different ways but, ultimately, you can't spend your life waiting for something to happen - waiting for more money, a different town, a different domicile, a better car... waiting for "the big break" or, worse, "the one" to complete you. You can't conditionalize your happiness. You rob your life of joy if you give your happiness over to a time that does not now, and may not ever, exist.
So you don't stop trying to improve the Is. You must first know how you really feel about what is and what will actually make things better. But you will never have happiness in the present if you don't allow it to be there.
All easier said than done. That's why I chose to remind myself in post-it form... forever. Or until I go back and have it all remade into some kind of tribal wristband.
I promise I won't do that. No barbwire, either. You have my word.
As for the rest of the work I had done yesterday...
To compliment the "Bliss" phrase on my left wrist, I had a line from a Henry Rollins song ("Starve") tattooed on my right wrist: "I kiss my fear on the mouth." No ellipsis on that one. It's pretty decisive - it needs no further explanation.
On that same hand, to compliment the blue moon already tattooed on my left hand, which represents my name, I had a sun tattooed to represent my boys - the source of light in my life, so to speak. But not just any sun. This sun has a story...
I mentioned a little while ago that I would thank Moby, if I ever met him, for being the catalyst that brought my husband and I together. Well, that kicked off an idea, and I ended up writing him a letter asking him to be the one to draw the sun that I would get tattooed. Then I didn't know where to send it. So, I ended up reaching out to old moby-boardie friends and two of them (Hi, Debbie! Hi, Ed!) became my sun-doodle advocates. They met up with said rockstar last month and - ta-da! - he doodled, not just one sun, but two suns. And now I have one of those two tattooed on my right hand. (I now refer to it as the "rock star hand"... but just in my head...)
This is the doodle... :)
Now, why not tattoo both suns? Well, that was my first intent. But in the chair I realized that the placement of the second sun (on the inside of my wrist) would be extremely painful and I was feeling shaky again. I'm pretty sure I was just chilly, but my body is clearly wonky right now, and I prudently decided that I didn't want to push my limits. Plus, I'm still ambivalent about the overall design on my wrist, so it gives me some time to live with it before I decide on the final details.
Okay, I admit it - I have commitment issues.
At any rate, I'm happy with what I got. It feels more complete now, though, as with the crescent moon and star tattoo that has caused some people to question if I was, in fact, born in Turkey, it comes with the consequence of befuddling some folks. So be it. I'll just have to work on my short answers.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Because Mom says I'm wordy... Roll out the A/V cart!
The domicile
Soy Egg Nog Chai
Pumpkin Spice Bread (about half the loaf)
I promised piccies last week, so here ya go! Fall, in review... Feel free to save any for backgrounds (if it lets you?). I don't claim to be a good photographer - I'm just fortunate to have some attractive subjects...
First, we went to get our pumpkins...
And the trees... The boys and I spent many days at the park...
We found a few mighty big leaves...
And some more trees...
And finally, Halloween... I ended up more "Eccentric Victorian Poet" than the "Steampunk Poet" that I had been aiming for. I was told by several people that the raven made the outfit. And I was obviously wrangling an astronaut (zooming around the chocolate shop) and Zaphod Beeblebear...
The day after Halloween, O-boy was the astronaut and H-bomb was a dinosaur again...
And Mom was DONE.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
The wisdom of not doing it.
Rogue Valley Roasting Company
Soy Vanilla Butterscotch Steamer
Croissant
I missed the blog last week because I was shopping for accessories for my Steampunk Poet costume. (Which reminds me - did I give someone my quill? Damn it, I think I did. Oh, well). Yes, I will post piccies post Halloween. I think next week will just be a Fall Photo-spread. You're welcome.
So, last night I went to get tattooed. Today, I have a partially shaved wrist and no new ink. I had been anticipating this for so long. Nine years, in fact, since I got my first moon tattoo. Now, when I finally had the doodle for my suns in hand (there's a whole other story I will relate later on), and words to live by ready to be permanently inked onto my hands and wrist, I had to stop. I hadn't been feeling great all day (serious lack of sleep, among other things) and at that moment in the chair, literally as the tattooist was about to apply the stencil, a wave of nausea hit me. Fortunately, I know my body well enough to know the risks of continuing and potentially puking and/or passing out on the nice young man about to inflict intense pain upon me. As much as I wanted to push through the discomfort, I am wise enough to know that you don't mess around with the physiology.
It was the wise thing - courageous, even - to speak up for my body and reschedule when the queasiness did not subside. And trust me, I can tell you from experience, your tattooist is much happier when you don't pass out and pee on their chair. (Let no one mistake me for a bad ass...)
But your body is a much more tangible thing than your mind. So it's easier to defend your choice to back out of your previously stated plans when it's your body that is impairing your efforts. It seems much less forgivable when you tell people something is just "too much" for you - your psyche - to handle right now.
As I proclaimed a few weeks ago, I started school at the beginning of this month. I knew it would be difficult to manage with two small boys and my high levels of stress and disorder. But I was going to "Do it anyway!" By my first day of my physics class I knew I was in trouble and that it would take a considerable effort to catch up and stay caught up. I shared my fear with some of my new classmates that I might not be back for our second class. I was met with a challenge from a woman who pushes through obstacles... Why wouldn't I make it? Little ones? So? She has kids, too. And works full time, of course. You just do it anyway. You find a way. You push through...
Rather than joyfully inspiring me to achieve more than I believed I could, she just pissed me off. She might be a lovely person. I truly do not know. She struck me, however, as someone who lacks empathy and understanding of people not like her. She had also irritated me earlier in our lab by jumping into our lab experiment without reading all the instructions. I might legitimately be slower than I ought to be (especially sans coffee), but there is value in not setting yourself up to fail by plunging headlong into a situation before you're ready. Just sayin'...
Needless to say, I did not make it to my second class. If the drop date hadn't been just days after the first class, I might have stuck it out a little longer to see if I could get on track fast enough. I think I stood a chance of pulling it off. But I risked academic probation if I couldn't make it work, and another "W" would suspend my financial aid, so I made the the best call I could at that moment.
But why couldn't I do it? What was my excuse? If she could do it, why was I failing?
Because, unlike her, for reasons known only to ourselves, my mind was deeply nauseated. And I did not want to risk the consequences of inflicting more pain and stress on it when my children were in fallout range of emotional projectile vomit. That's not an excuse. That is the wisdom of not doing it. I might have been able to do it, but it was better that I didn't.
When someone says something like, "I didn't have time to do (whatever)," a truer phrase might be, "I didn't have much time to do it, and I elected to not put myself through the difficulty of making it happen." And maybe that's a weak stance for them and maybe that's a wise choice. Only they can say. It's not for other people to decide for them which it is.
When I say, "I have kids," by way of explaining the state of things, that's only a piece of the explanation. It's a useful shorthand because most people understand the intense stress of caring for a couple of miniature crazy people. And if someone gives you crap because you don't have as many kids as them and you deign to be more exhausted and stressed out - screw them. One kid is plenty. One kid is more than some people can handle. No one has exactly the same circumstances, psychology, or physiology, and the same results should never be expected for everyone.
It is entirely acceptable to challenge people to do their best, but it is never okay to tell someone what their best is. It was incredibly difficult for me to let school go again. But I realized that that was the "it" in "Do it anyway." I was afraid of being stuck in this cycle forever and never going back, but the best thing I can do for my children is to put off the extra stress until I feel a little more stable, got a few more duckies in a row. There's no shame in that. It does not make me inferior, it just makes me different.
And one final story to drive it home...
A few weeks before giving birth to my second child, I heard a story about a woman who ran a marathon at 39 weeks and then went and gave birth. That's great. It's always inspiring to hear about someone pushing the bounds of human excellence. My birth story a few weeks later, however, may be more inspiring.
Though I have fibromyalgia, though I was in so much pain during my first delivery (even with an epidural) that I couldn't push my son out and almost had to have an emergency C-section, my second son was delivered by a water birth - no painkillers. I had taken what I had learned about myself and my body and used that knowledge to prepare myself for the second go-round. And that effort was rewarded with a completely natural childbirth experience. Boo-yah.
Marathon lady was a runner to begin with, I was damaged at the start. We both achieved something, and the fact that I didn't run a marathon before giving birth doesn't mean that I was a failure. She excelled. I overcame. We both achieved something.
But I do think my story is more relatable.
Soy Vanilla Butterscotch Steamer
Croissant
I missed the blog last week because I was shopping for accessories for my Steampunk Poet costume. (Which reminds me - did I give someone my quill? Damn it, I think I did. Oh, well). Yes, I will post piccies post Halloween. I think next week will just be a Fall Photo-spread. You're welcome.
So, last night I went to get tattooed. Today, I have a partially shaved wrist and no new ink. I had been anticipating this for so long. Nine years, in fact, since I got my first moon tattoo. Now, when I finally had the doodle for my suns in hand (there's a whole other story I will relate later on), and words to live by ready to be permanently inked onto my hands and wrist, I had to stop. I hadn't been feeling great all day (serious lack of sleep, among other things) and at that moment in the chair, literally as the tattooist was about to apply the stencil, a wave of nausea hit me. Fortunately, I know my body well enough to know the risks of continuing and potentially puking and/or passing out on the nice young man about to inflict intense pain upon me. As much as I wanted to push through the discomfort, I am wise enough to know that you don't mess around with the physiology.
It was the wise thing - courageous, even - to speak up for my body and reschedule when the queasiness did not subside. And trust me, I can tell you from experience, your tattooist is much happier when you don't pass out and pee on their chair. (Let no one mistake me for a bad ass...)
But your body is a much more tangible thing than your mind. So it's easier to defend your choice to back out of your previously stated plans when it's your body that is impairing your efforts. It seems much less forgivable when you tell people something is just "too much" for you - your psyche - to handle right now.
As I proclaimed a few weeks ago, I started school at the beginning of this month. I knew it would be difficult to manage with two small boys and my high levels of stress and disorder. But I was going to "Do it anyway!" By my first day of my physics class I knew I was in trouble and that it would take a considerable effort to catch up and stay caught up. I shared my fear with some of my new classmates that I might not be back for our second class. I was met with a challenge from a woman who pushes through obstacles... Why wouldn't I make it? Little ones? So? She has kids, too. And works full time, of course. You just do it anyway. You find a way. You push through...
Rather than joyfully inspiring me to achieve more than I believed I could, she just pissed me off. She might be a lovely person. I truly do not know. She struck me, however, as someone who lacks empathy and understanding of people not like her. She had also irritated me earlier in our lab by jumping into our lab experiment without reading all the instructions. I might legitimately be slower than I ought to be (especially sans coffee), but there is value in not setting yourself up to fail by plunging headlong into a situation before you're ready. Just sayin'...
Needless to say, I did not make it to my second class. If the drop date hadn't been just days after the first class, I might have stuck it out a little longer to see if I could get on track fast enough. I think I stood a chance of pulling it off. But I risked academic probation if I couldn't make it work, and another "W" would suspend my financial aid, so I made the the best call I could at that moment.
But why couldn't I do it? What was my excuse? If she could do it, why was I failing?
Because, unlike her, for reasons known only to ourselves, my mind was deeply nauseated. And I did not want to risk the consequences of inflicting more pain and stress on it when my children were in fallout range of emotional projectile vomit. That's not an excuse. That is the wisdom of not doing it. I might have been able to do it, but it was better that I didn't.
When someone says something like, "I didn't have time to do (whatever)," a truer phrase might be, "I didn't have much time to do it, and I elected to not put myself through the difficulty of making it happen." And maybe that's a weak stance for them and maybe that's a wise choice. Only they can say. It's not for other people to decide for them which it is.
When I say, "I have kids," by way of explaining the state of things, that's only a piece of the explanation. It's a useful shorthand because most people understand the intense stress of caring for a couple of miniature crazy people. And if someone gives you crap because you don't have as many kids as them and you deign to be more exhausted and stressed out - screw them. One kid is plenty. One kid is more than some people can handle. No one has exactly the same circumstances, psychology, or physiology, and the same results should never be expected for everyone.
It is entirely acceptable to challenge people to do their best, but it is never okay to tell someone what their best is. It was incredibly difficult for me to let school go again. But I realized that that was the "it" in "Do it anyway." I was afraid of being stuck in this cycle forever and never going back, but the best thing I can do for my children is to put off the extra stress until I feel a little more stable, got a few more duckies in a row. There's no shame in that. It does not make me inferior, it just makes me different.
And one final story to drive it home...
A few weeks before giving birth to my second child, I heard a story about a woman who ran a marathon at 39 weeks and then went and gave birth. That's great. It's always inspiring to hear about someone pushing the bounds of human excellence. My birth story a few weeks later, however, may be more inspiring.
Though I have fibromyalgia, though I was in so much pain during my first delivery (even with an epidural) that I couldn't push my son out and almost had to have an emergency C-section, my second son was delivered by a water birth - no painkillers. I had taken what I had learned about myself and my body and used that knowledge to prepare myself for the second go-round. And that effort was rewarded with a completely natural childbirth experience. Boo-yah.
Marathon lady was a runner to begin with, I was damaged at the start. We both achieved something, and the fact that I didn't run a marathon before giving birth doesn't mean that I was a failure. She excelled. I overcame. We both achieved something.
But I do think my story is more relatable.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Feel our pain - FEEL IT!
Bloomsbury Coffee House
12oz Coffee
Biscotti
Let's talk compensation for our elected representatives.
Needless to say, I think our reps should not be getting paid during the shutdown. I think I can accept them getting back-pay, but definitely no checks for them while they are withholding paychecks from other people. But while we're on the subject of their paychecks, let's just settle what that amount ought to be.
How do we determine what is fair compensation? There is no real private sector equivalent to a congressman (and we will just not go into all the other things we can equate a congressman to). Some have said they should make minimum wage, or some derivative of that (no more than double the minimum, for example). But I think it's pretty fair to say that a minimum wage job isn't equivalent in responsibility and consequence to that of an elected official's. It's worth adding that that does not make either worker superior or inferior to the other (just sayin').
Some people put forth a specific amount for compensation (as it is now), extrapolated from current values within the economy. But that criteria is pretty subjective, and that amount would naturally need to be adjusted as costs adjust. And, as I am against minimum wage being tied to votes, I would be against rep pay being tied to votes, and for the same reasons. Whatever the criteria by which we set their pay, their pay should move as the economy moves and be self-adjusting, as minimum wage should be.
So what's fair? I say, if they are representing us, they should make what we make. Any representative should receive whatever is the median income of their constituents. All the way up to the White House.
Yes, I think the "Leader of the Free World" should make about 40 grand a year.
Naturally, there would be other forms of their compensation - company healthcare, company car (or company "Air Force One"), pensions, etc. And representatives do have to maintain more than one residence - in their home districts and in their governing cities. There would be expected traveling expenses going back and forth. It would be reasonable to cover some of those costs to allow our representatives to fulfill the obligations of their jobs. Within limits.
But when it comes to the actual paycheck, why should our public servants receive such vastly higher pay than their employers - us? Shouldn't they have some skin in the game? The truth is that most of these people are already rich. You nearly have to be in order to run for office nowadays. Which begs two conclusions. First: if they're already rich, then why do they need more money? Second: we need to implement some other reforms while we're at it, so that people who are actually more representative of us are able to be elected to represent us.
A couple thoughts...
First, term limits. You can be re-elected once to the same job. Maybe you can sit out a term (or two) and come back. But to serve 30, 40, 50 years, in a job with a two-year term? That's just not a healthy relationship for either of us, and we both need to move on.
Next - money. Everybody seems to talk about how horrible is the influence of money in our elections. How many people actually put forth any real reforms to fix that? Public matching funds are one fix that might make a little difference, but they don't fix the main driver of increasing election costs. It's the advertising, people. Buying television ads are incredibly costly to campaigns and they are the worst source of information for voters. But they sure are effective for the well-funded campaigns, and who wants to give up that advantage?
If we were to restrict or eliminate political television ads, the costs needed to wage political warfare would be reduced, and that would make the playing field just that much more level. Much of the political messaging gets out through other, less costly, means anyway (internet ads, news proxies). But we could still make efforts to give equal quality exposure to more candidates. Perhaps a series of 30-minute prime-time informative spots donated via public television. Or something. But in the age of the internet and hyper-social media, we can better serve both candidates and voters by moving away from the TV.
Oh, and I think most of us can agree that money is not speech. Can we just pass that language so the judiciary is no longer confused on this point?
I could go on (and on) but I'm getting distracted and running out of coffee. I think that will do for today.
12oz Coffee
Biscotti
Let's talk compensation for our elected representatives.
Needless to say, I think our reps should not be getting paid during the shutdown. I think I can accept them getting back-pay, but definitely no checks for them while they are withholding paychecks from other people. But while we're on the subject of their paychecks, let's just settle what that amount ought to be.
How do we determine what is fair compensation? There is no real private sector equivalent to a congressman (and we will just not go into all the other things we can equate a congressman to). Some have said they should make minimum wage, or some derivative of that (no more than double the minimum, for example). But I think it's pretty fair to say that a minimum wage job isn't equivalent in responsibility and consequence to that of an elected official's. It's worth adding that that does not make either worker superior or inferior to the other (just sayin').
Some people put forth a specific amount for compensation (as it is now), extrapolated from current values within the economy. But that criteria is pretty subjective, and that amount would naturally need to be adjusted as costs adjust. And, as I am against minimum wage being tied to votes, I would be against rep pay being tied to votes, and for the same reasons. Whatever the criteria by which we set their pay, their pay should move as the economy moves and be self-adjusting, as minimum wage should be.
So what's fair? I say, if they are representing us, they should make what we make. Any representative should receive whatever is the median income of their constituents. All the way up to the White House.
Yes, I think the "Leader of the Free World" should make about 40 grand a year.
Naturally, there would be other forms of their compensation - company healthcare, company car (or company "Air Force One"), pensions, etc. And representatives do have to maintain more than one residence - in their home districts and in their governing cities. There would be expected traveling expenses going back and forth. It would be reasonable to cover some of those costs to allow our representatives to fulfill the obligations of their jobs. Within limits.
But when it comes to the actual paycheck, why should our public servants receive such vastly higher pay than their employers - us? Shouldn't they have some skin in the game? The truth is that most of these people are already rich. You nearly have to be in order to run for office nowadays. Which begs two conclusions. First: if they're already rich, then why do they need more money? Second: we need to implement some other reforms while we're at it, so that people who are actually more representative of us are able to be elected to represent us.
A couple thoughts...
First, term limits. You can be re-elected once to the same job. Maybe you can sit out a term (or two) and come back. But to serve 30, 40, 50 years, in a job with a two-year term? That's just not a healthy relationship for either of us, and we both need to move on.
Next - money. Everybody seems to talk about how horrible is the influence of money in our elections. How many people actually put forth any real reforms to fix that? Public matching funds are one fix that might make a little difference, but they don't fix the main driver of increasing election costs. It's the advertising, people. Buying television ads are incredibly costly to campaigns and they are the worst source of information for voters. But they sure are effective for the well-funded campaigns, and who wants to give up that advantage?
If we were to restrict or eliminate political television ads, the costs needed to wage political warfare would be reduced, and that would make the playing field just that much more level. Much of the political messaging gets out through other, less costly, means anyway (internet ads, news proxies). But we could still make efforts to give equal quality exposure to more candidates. Perhaps a series of 30-minute prime-time informative spots donated via public television. Or something. But in the age of the internet and hyper-social media, we can better serve both candidates and voters by moving away from the TV.
Oh, and I think most of us can agree that money is not speech. Can we just pass that language so the judiciary is no longer confused on this point?
I could go on (and on) but I'm getting distracted and running out of coffee. I think that will do for today.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Sanctimonious Fucktards
Mix Sweet Shop
12oz Soy Chai
Lemon Whiskey Macaroon
Cranberry Scone
I'm guessing you guys can guess where this one's going.
Imagine for a moment the very smart couple. They got their education. They got married. They had their careers, they bought a house. At thirty, they decided to start their family. They had three beautiful, amazing children, who are a testament to their parents' awesomeness. They did everything right. And in 2008, they got knocked on their asses when they both lost their jobs to the Great Recession.
Over the last few years they have been knocked around badly, not knowing where the next job, the next meal, the next temporary housing situation was going to come along. They and their children have been amazingly resilient, though not without their bruises from these ordeals. But finally - finally! - they are getting back on their feet. Back into regular employment, back into regular housing, and regular meals.
Or, they were getting back on their feet, until October 1st when they got the dreaded news: furloughed.
I don't think the sanctimonious fucktards who caused this shutdown can appreciate the word "dreaded." They have no idea, not the faintest wisp of empathetical understanding, of what it is to live in terror of having no paycheck. No net, no back-up plans, no hope of escape, and now, no help from the government they have been helping with every precious paycheck for so many years.
Let's imagine someone else now.
There are millions of pregnant women out there this very moment. A significant number of them are still in their first trimester, or early in their second. Early enough to get an abortion in most places. Almost none of these women (as a percentage of the overall population) is rich enough to not be worried about their own finances, let alone the overall economy. Many, many, many of these women are very, very worried about their own finances.
So think about one of these more anxious, more desperate women. Maybe she was smart and did everything right. Maybe she wasn't that smart. Maybe she was foolish enough to trust, in people, in situations. Maybe she didn't tread carefully enough. Maybe she was just human. Whatever path brought here, here she is - due, and dreading what kind of life her child might have. What do you think that pregnant woman is thinking now when all safety nets have been removed? How much trust does she have that those nets will be restored? that they will be enough? How much does she trust that they won't be ripped away again before she's more stable? And how long will that take?
Does she dare keep the baby? When she has been robbed of the means to care for herself and the child, and robbed of all confidence that there will be a safety net if she were to need it again - how can she bring herself to invest in a human life under those circumstances?
These are not hyperbolic or abstract examples. These are real fucking people and there are thousands - millions - of them. Their pain - their daily, living, breathing dread - is very fucking real. And not only are they suffering directly by the hands of these self-righteous, self-deluded bigots, but everyone else is going to begin suffering by proxy. Even the rich are eligible for fallout, whether or not they are willing to acknowledge it.
I confess I'm feeling a bit hostile writing this. And I was in such a good mood today... But this is a Miller's Facepalm of epic proportion. And if somebody says the words "Obama's shutdown" in front of me, I will have a very difficult time not punching them in the face. And I'm such a nice person... But no matter how much some people want to engage in rebranding and double-think, this is in no way a bi-partisan impasse. This was a directly Republican engineered disaster.
This was in no way unavoidable. Conflicting budgets were passed by each house six damn months ago, and all they had to do then was follow normal procedures and appoint the people from each house to sit down together and hash it out. But that didn't happen, did it? Nope! And, yes, it was because of the Republican leadership. Even now, all the Speaker has to do is bring a bill to the floor to be voted on that would fund the government - at sequester levels! - for a few weeks while they finally sit down and try to agree on a budget. He will not bring the bill to the floor. One guy. One asshole. One great big sanctimonious fucktard is choosing to continue this.
And compromise? That's like saying you'll stop punching someone in the head if some other guy will start kicking him in the nuts. Either way, if you get what you're demanding or you keep doing what you're doing, someone's going to the hospital. And, oh yeah, he doesn't have health insurance.
There are plenty of reasonable Republicans out there who don't want this. But they are complicit in this theft and abuse of these citizens who are being robbed of their pay, of their life-saving assistance. And they are just as guilty of the reckless endangerment of public safety. And, oh yeah, the economic safety of the fucking world if they continue this through the debt ceiling, too. Even if you do believe that the Affordable Care Act has serious problems, and even if you believe this could actually rectify any of those problems, the consequences of this tactic are, right now, doing more real harm to far more people. If you want to get rid of Obamacare, vote it out with something better. This is just not worth it.
12oz Soy Chai
Lemon Whiskey Macaroon
Cranberry Scone
I'm guessing you guys can guess where this one's going.
Imagine for a moment the very smart couple. They got their education. They got married. They had their careers, they bought a house. At thirty, they decided to start their family. They had three beautiful, amazing children, who are a testament to their parents' awesomeness. They did everything right. And in 2008, they got knocked on their asses when they both lost their jobs to the Great Recession.
Over the last few years they have been knocked around badly, not knowing where the next job, the next meal, the next temporary housing situation was going to come along. They and their children have been amazingly resilient, though not without their bruises from these ordeals. But finally - finally! - they are getting back on their feet. Back into regular employment, back into regular housing, and regular meals.
Or, they were getting back on their feet, until October 1st when they got the dreaded news: furloughed.
I don't think the sanctimonious fucktards who caused this shutdown can appreciate the word "dreaded." They have no idea, not the faintest wisp of empathetical understanding, of what it is to live in terror of having no paycheck. No net, no back-up plans, no hope of escape, and now, no help from the government they have been helping with every precious paycheck for so many years.
Let's imagine someone else now.
There are millions of pregnant women out there this very moment. A significant number of them are still in their first trimester, or early in their second. Early enough to get an abortion in most places. Almost none of these women (as a percentage of the overall population) is rich enough to not be worried about their own finances, let alone the overall economy. Many, many, many of these women are very, very worried about their own finances.
So think about one of these more anxious, more desperate women. Maybe she was smart and did everything right. Maybe she wasn't that smart. Maybe she was foolish enough to trust, in people, in situations. Maybe she didn't tread carefully enough. Maybe she was just human. Whatever path brought here, here she is - due, and dreading what kind of life her child might have. What do you think that pregnant woman is thinking now when all safety nets have been removed? How much trust does she have that those nets will be restored? that they will be enough? How much does she trust that they won't be ripped away again before she's more stable? And how long will that take?
Does she dare keep the baby? When she has been robbed of the means to care for herself and the child, and robbed of all confidence that there will be a safety net if she were to need it again - how can she bring herself to invest in a human life under those circumstances?
These are not hyperbolic or abstract examples. These are real fucking people and there are thousands - millions - of them. Their pain - their daily, living, breathing dread - is very fucking real. And not only are they suffering directly by the hands of these self-righteous, self-deluded bigots, but everyone else is going to begin suffering by proxy. Even the rich are eligible for fallout, whether or not they are willing to acknowledge it.
I confess I'm feeling a bit hostile writing this. And I was in such a good mood today... But this is a Miller's Facepalm of epic proportion. And if somebody says the words "Obama's shutdown" in front of me, I will have a very difficult time not punching them in the face. And I'm such a nice person... But no matter how much some people want to engage in rebranding and double-think, this is in no way a bi-partisan impasse. This was a directly Republican engineered disaster.
This was in no way unavoidable. Conflicting budgets were passed by each house six damn months ago, and all they had to do then was follow normal procedures and appoint the people from each house to sit down together and hash it out. But that didn't happen, did it? Nope! And, yes, it was because of the Republican leadership. Even now, all the Speaker has to do is bring a bill to the floor to be voted on that would fund the government - at sequester levels! - for a few weeks while they finally sit down and try to agree on a budget. He will not bring the bill to the floor. One guy. One asshole. One great big sanctimonious fucktard is choosing to continue this.
And compromise? That's like saying you'll stop punching someone in the head if some other guy will start kicking him in the nuts. Either way, if you get what you're demanding or you keep doing what you're doing, someone's going to the hospital. And, oh yeah, he doesn't have health insurance.
There are plenty of reasonable Republicans out there who don't want this. But they are complicit in this theft and abuse of these citizens who are being robbed of their pay, of their life-saving assistance. And they are just as guilty of the reckless endangerment of public safety. And, oh yeah, the economic safety of the fucking world if they continue this through the debt ceiling, too. Even if you do believe that the Affordable Care Act has serious problems, and even if you believe this could actually rectify any of those problems, the consequences of this tactic are, right now, doing more real harm to far more people. If you want to get rid of Obamacare, vote it out with something better. This is just not worth it.
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